A woman driver was speeding along the highway, when suddenly she was stopped by police, who instructed her to pull over.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: I lost it 4 times for drunk-driving.
Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes - and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see.
The Officer looked at the woman, slowly backed away to his car and called for backup. Within minutes, 5 police cars circled the woman's car. A senior officer slowly approached the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Sergeant: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman stepped out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Sergeant: One of my officers told me that you had stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Sergeant: Yes. Could you please open the boot of your car.
The woman opened the trunk, revealing that it was completely empty.
Sergeant: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes. Here are the registration papers.
The officer who pulled the woman over was stunned.
Sergeant: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
The woman opened her handbag and pulled out her driver's licence. The officer examined the licence and looked quite puzzled.
Sergeant: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you that didn't have a licence, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too.
The American tourist on an Ayers Rock excursion suddenly yelled out, "Stop the bus!"
He had spotted an Aborigine who was lying on the side of the road with his ear to the ground.
"He must be one of those famous blacktrackers," thought the Yank as he ran over to him.
"Can you tell me about the last people to pass this way?" he asked.
"Yeah," answered the Aborigine, pointing to some tyre tracks. "It was a Holden utility."
The Yank was not very impressed. "Anything else?" he asked.
"Yeah, there were ten people in it." replied the Aborigine.
Now the Yank was really impressed. "Anything else?" he asked.
The Aboriginal said, "Yeah, the three in the front were blokes and there were three women, three kids and another bloke in the back."
This really amazed the Yank. He said, " You can tell all this from putting your ear to the ground?"
The Aborigine replied, "No mate, I was the bloke in the back and I just fell off the bloody thing."
The motorist had been booked for speeding and had given his name as Fred Shagbreak and also his workplace.
The cop turned up with a summons and asked the receptionist, "Do you have a Shagbreak here?"
She replied, "Are you kidding? It took the union two years to get us a coffee break!"
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drove his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greeted him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro was.
"Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" said the attendant.
Tiger nodded a quick "hello" and bent forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he did so, two tees fell out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees" replied Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquired the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" said Tiger.
"Jaysus" exclaimed the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"
A man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He said that he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer said that the bank would need some kind of security for the loan, so the man handed over the keys and proof of ownership papers to a new Rolls Royce parked outside. The bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a $750,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you were a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The man replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's traffic school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my licence plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The colour.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
The following police comments were taken from actual Dallas police car videos.
Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
Yes sir, by all means you can talk to the shift supervisor if you think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
Warning? You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you that when you run that stop sign again, I'll give you another ticket.
The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horsey doo!
Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
Just how big were those two beers?
In God we trust, all others we run through the records department.
I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.
Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? Well, you're right, we don't. Now, sign here.
A Polish fellow went to the Motor Registration Department to apply for a driver's licence.
Of course he had to take an eyesight test The examiner showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the examiner asked.
"Read it?" the Polack replied, "I know the guy."
A blonde pushed her BMW into a gas station. She told the mechanic that it died.
After he worked on it for a few minutes, it was idling smoothly.
She asked, "What's the story?"
He replied, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asked, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her licence.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A man was watching the news on TV, when a report with a video from a traffic helicopter came in about a car driving the wrong way on the M5 freeway. Knowing that his gorgeous blonde wife was driving home on the freeway at the time, the man quickly grabbed his mobile phone and rang her.
He said, "Darling, you have to be very careful. There is some crazy person driving the wrong way on the M5."
She replied, "What do you mean - some crazy person driving the wrong way? They are ALL crazy and driving the wrong way."
A man in California bought his dream car, a brand new Mercedes convertible. He was driving on the interstate with the top down. His speed kept going up and so was his enjoyment of the open air. At last he had hit 100 mph without realising it. Then he saw and heard red lights flashing behind him, a cop car.
"Good day," said the officer. "It's the last few minutes of my shift. I'd rather not write this ticket unless you have an excuse for speeding that I haven't heard of yet".
The driver said, "Last week a policeman stole my wife from me. I thought you were bringing her back to me."
The officer put his book away, looked at the man and said, "You have a good day, sir." And got back into his car.
A limousine driver was given the job to go and pick up a VIP at the airport, but it was a hush-hush visit, so he was told to exercise discretion. There at the airport was the Pope John Paul II. He got into the back of the Rolls and admired the leatherwork and interior.
The Pope then said to the limo driver, "Whatís this thing like to drive? I used to enjoy driving a little car when I was a priest back in Poland, but since then, Iíve been driven everywhere, and really miss being behind the wheel."
The limo driver replied, "No problem" and pulled over. The Pope jumped into the driver's seat and the limo driver climbed into the back seat. The Pope drove off down the motorway, at 140 kph. Very predictably, he was pulled over by a cop, who walked up to the car. He took one look inside the Rolls and walked straight back to his patrol car.
The cop radioed his base and said, "I have caught a VIP speeding, what do I do?" The senior sergeant asked, "What kind of VIP?"
The cop shouted, :A VERY IMPORTANT VIP!" The sergeant asked, "How important? A cabinet minister? A member of the Royal family? One of the Spice Girls?"
The cop replied, "Um, I think it must be GOD! His chauffeur is the Pope!"